The greatest show of God’s love is that while we were yet sinners, He sent Jesus to die for us (Romans 5:8). As Christians, we are to imitate Him (1 Corinthians 11:1). As He forgives us, we must forgive others (Colossians 3:13; Ephesians 4:32). In fact, Jesus even goes as far as to say that if we don’t forgive others, we ourselves cannot be forgiven (Matthew 6:15; Mark 11:26).
But it’s not quite as simple as just letting people walk over you. When a Christian sins against you, there’s a God ordained process by which to deal with it. It’s found in Matthew 18:15-17.
“Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.”
Let’s break this down a little. First, let’s look at the phrase “If he hears you, you have gained your brother.” This is arguably the most important part of the passage, because it states the end goal. The end goal of all of this is to gain your brother. In other words, it’s not about revenge, justice, humiliation, or vindication. It’s about restoration. In Luke 15:7, Jesus tells us “I say to you that likewise there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine just persons who need no repentance.” We need to have the same attitude, rejoicing more over those we have forgiven than over those we’ve never had an issue with.
The first step to achieving this end is to go to the offender alone. It’s possible that the offender isn’t even aware of the offence, but even if they are, going to them directly is important. It establishes the problem in the minds of both people, as well as creating an environment of trust. By contrast, going behind an offender's back may well turn into gossip, and even amplify the problem.
Sometimes, as Jesus said, this first step is enough. The offender will hear and repent, and the relationship will be stronger for it. Jesus actually went as far as to say that if a brother offends 7 times in a day and repents all 7 times, you must forgive (Luke 17:4). However, sometimes it’s not that simple. Human beings are stubborn creatures, so sometimes your words aren’t enough. It’s at this point Jesus says “But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’” There’s a lot to unpack here, some of which bleeds into step three.
First, Jesus is actually quoting Deuteronomy 19:15, which says “One witness shall not rise against a man concerning any iniquity or any sin that he commits; by the mouth of two or three witnesses the matter shall be established.” When it comes to sin, especially if the sin is committed against you, your sole testimony is not enough. You will be biased, and unable to see from an objective point of view. It is also possible for you to lie. This creates an atmosphere of one word against another. But with a second, and possibly a third witness, these possibilities are reduced. Honest details are retained in three minds, and dishonest details fall apart quickly. But four witnesses are unnecessary. A higher number may cause the offender to feel attacked, and borders on gossip, whereas a small group maintains the environment of trust.
It’s also worth noting that these witnesses aren’t just there to write a transcript. Jesus continues to say “if he refuses to hear them”, meaning your witnesses can have their say also. For this reason, it is probably better to choose witnesses who are close to both parties, and who are wise enough to advise, and even, if necessary, rebuke.
Which leads us to our third step: “And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church.” This is why this strategy only works on Christians. An unbeliever is not under the authority of the Church, but most Christians will belong to a congregation with some clear hierarchy. This is also where the two or three witnesses come in. Skipping the previous step will result in the Church having an incomplete view of the situation, but with witnesses, the case can be brought with accuracy.
But then we come to our final, tragic step: “But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.” Not all confessions of faith are genuine, and Jesus gives several things to look out for to divide the true Christians from the rest of the world. In Matthew 7:16-20, Jesus tells us we will know true believers by their fruits. In John 13:35, He also says the world will know His disciples by their love for one another. Continuous and unrepentant sin is neither a Godly fruit, nor is it showing love for other disciples. Therefore, those who refuse to hear you, your witnesses, and the Church, regarding sin, are acting like non-Christians. Therefore, they should be treated as non-Christians.
Now, that doesn’t mean you have to be mean to them. The Bible is very clear on how we are to treat unbelievers, even our enemies. We are to love our enemies, showing kindness to them, and even praying for them. Revenge is for God to take, not us, and therefore, if you are forced to take step 4, you are not to do it with hatred or resentment. Rather, it means the offender should be separated from the Church in the same manner as unbelievers.
This final step may not work. The very fact that people will end up in Hell means that some people will never even be reconciled to God. Thus, we should not expect they will always be reconciled to us either. However, while there is still breath in their lungs, even those who have been disciplined according to step 4 may still repent. Ultimately, all judgement belongs to the Lord. For us, the command is to forgive, even if that forgiveness goes unreceived.