Song - The Phony

Lyrics

[Verse 1]

I feel like a complete disgrace,

staring down at what I can’t erase.

I swore it would be the last time,

but now I see how I lied!

I try to pray but can’t get through1,

have I outsinned the grace I once knew?

Now I'm drowing in my doubts...

I hear the voices, they drown my hope out!

[Chorus]

You’re a fake!

You’re a phony!

Do you even believe in Christ?2

You thought you stood, but how you fall!3

You don't walk the walk4, you can barely crawl!

[Bridge]

Where is your faith when temptations rise?

Give up, you fake, we see through your lies...

[Verse 2]

I quote the verses I was taught.

Have I wasted my life? Was it all for naught?

Did I really let Him in?

Did I truly repent, or do I live for sin?5

Now I'm burning with regret, because the voices won't let me forget!

[Chorus]

You’re a fake!

You’re a phony!

Do you even believe in Christ?

You thought you stood, but how you fall!

You don't walk the walk, you can barely crawl!

[Bridge]

But then somewhere in the shame6...

I hear a sweet, soft voice, whisper my name…

[Final Chorus]

No, you’re not a fake.

You’re not a phony.

My child, I hear your cry7.

Yes, you may have had a fall8.

But my blood has washed away it all9!

Repent, don't believe the devil's lies.

Trust in me and you will rise10.

[Outro]

You will rise.

Because I am risen11.

You will rise.

Because my stone was rolled away.

Background

As both the tune and the lyrical content suggest, "The Phony" is one of the most painful songs I've ever written, because I felt every word of it. Followers of Bible Brain will likely know that I have a history of homosexuality. For years, I identified as an "ex-gay". However, during an emotionally difficult time in my life, those feelings returned, which of course brought the usual struggles associated with them.

As the feelings became more intense, I wrestled with how to approach the issue, especially here on Bible Brain. The dilemma is what kind of hypocrite do I want to be? Do I want to stop addressing the issue until I remove this plank from my eye (which is the proper application of the famous "judge not" verse)? Do I want to risk my credibility by publicly "coming out"? Ultimately, I tried to balance the two, "coming out" in my personal life for sake of honesty in January 2025, but not making such a huge deal of it that Bible Brain would appear to be a "gay ministry".

I came to seriously regret the decision. By selecting what I regarded as the "lesser of two evils", not surprisingly, evil won. I was now living an identity that wasn't deeply rooted in Christ, and while it was "helpful" in dismissing ludicrous accusations that I am some kind of homophobe, it was just shy of utterly useless in guiding me towards repentance (though, as I have a strong support network of Godly friends, I was not entirely alone or unaccountable). I had become truly double minded. On the one hand, I love Christ, and I choose Him over everything. Not even my ultimate dream - ironically, to become a husband and a father - will cause me to deny Him. But on the other hand, while I was telling myself "this is temporary, I plan to repent of it eventually", this attitude was holding me back from actually repenting. Not to mention it made it harder to resist the temptations that came my way.

The internal struggle was/is very real, and I don't just mean relating to this specific situation. As Christians, any and all unrighteousness is contrary to us, yet it is a weakness of our human flesh. As Paul laments, "O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?" (Romans 7:24). His answer is "I thank God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin." (v25). But all too often, for us as Christians, the answer feels like "no one will deliver us". Like we're too far gone. Like God has abandoned us, like God cannot save a sinner like me, and like we have, as the first verse of this song says, "outsinned the grace we once knew".

"The Phony" follows this painful mindset through the artistic depiction of a Christian's self-critical inner monologue, shown by both internal and external "voices". Deviating from the situation in which this song was born, I decided to leave it entirely open ended as to what form of sin it can be applied to. It is my intention that any Christian can personally apply it, whether they be struggling with one single offense they feel particularly bad about, or a repetitive sin they keep returning to "for the last time", which never seems to actually be the last time. Drugs, alcohol, porn, cussing, gluttony, it doesn't matter: If you struggle with it, I want you to be able to find yourself in this song.

While the song doesn't directly reference the verse, it is based very heavily on Philippians 1:6, in which Paul tells the saints in Philippi that he is "...confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;". In times of sin, it's easy to feel like giving up. Like we're not just fake Christians, but that we don't even have a pathway back to faith. And that would be 100% true, if we could lose our salvation. But this song intends to convey the fact that this is impossible. Why? Because our salvation is not contingent upon our perfection, but on the perfection of the "sweet soft voice" who breaks through the negativity, and re-writes the final chorus.

As dark as "The Phony" is, I do intend it to offer a glimmer of hope and encouragement to those with whom it resonates. Sin is truly deadly, and I mean in every form. Never deceive yourself into thinking your own sin is "no big deal". In fact, if you have such a mindset, you're in significantly more danger. Those who beat their chest in grief and call out "Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner" go down to their house justified, but those who brag of their goodness and thank God they're not like other men (you know, like those whose sin has cost them their salvation...) are exalting themselves to the extent where Christ will humble them (see Luke 18:9-14).

But more to the point, while sin is deadly, Christ is more mighty to save. Therefore, as John says, "...if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things." (1 John 3:20). When we sin, we feel like a fake, questioning whether we even believe in Christ? But here's a question: If we didn't, would we be even remotely troubled by the idea of offending Him? There is a balance that must be struck here! Some of us remember Christ's love, but forget His justice, to the extent of searing our conscience. We live in sin, and the result is death. But it is equally erroneous to remember His justice - the justice that says we deserve death - yet forget the love that caused Him to die for us. The pain we feel when we lament our hypocrisy is called "Godly sorrow" (2 Corinthians 7:10). The result? "Repent, don't believe the devil's lies. Trust in me and you will rise."

That line has four simultaneous interpretations. "Repent" is 100% fixed, it's not optional, we must wage a life-long war against sin. But "don't believe the devil's lies" is twofold. First, there are the tempting lies. "You will not surely die", as he said in Eden. But just as Adam and Eve found out the hard way, the fruit God forbids is lethal. But there are also the lies He tells afterwards. As He said "you will not surely die" to make you sin, after you have sinned, he switches to "you will not surely rise". This must be rejected also. As for "trust in me and you will rise", this also has two applications. There's the obvious "...everyone who sees the Son and believes in Him may have everlasting life; and I will raise him up at the last day." (John 6:40). But I also intended it to convey the idea that "...it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure." (Philippians 2:13). Thus, we will rise even spiritually because of Him.

Overall, "The Phony" is designed to comfort those who feel like false converts, especially those on the edge of simply giving up their faith, encouraging them to persevere. It intends to remind them that this is not a solo effort, as though we are expected to live like Jesus, yet without His power to do so. In our flesh, nothing good dwells. Therefore, it is the goodness of Christ on which we must rely for this effort. When we fail, He succeeds. And we benefit from that success, because He suffered for that failure.

Scripture references

1. Psalm 66:18

2. 2 Corinthians 13:5

3. 1 Corinthians 10:12

4. Galatians 5:16

5. 2 Corinthians 7:10

6. 1 John 3:20

7. Psalm 51:17

8. Proverbs 24:16

9. Revelation 1:5

10. John 11:25-26

11. 1 Corinthians 15:20-22

AI usage

This song was produced using Mozart AI.